I knew the day before my most recent miscarriage that it was going to happen. I felt the joy drain from my body as an empty feeling took over and I resigned myself to the fact that there was nothing I, nor anyone else could do. There was peace in my acceptance that I had not felt when I miscarried a few months before falling pregnant with my daughter, six years ago. This acceptance was a choice. A choice I made constantly in between the grief, heartache and the anger of ‘I don’t want to go through this again.’
What I realised when I allowed myself to feel what was really under my anger was that I felt a deep sense of shame that my body was unable to maintain this pregnancy. Isn’t that what women’s bodies are made to do? We have this incredible power of creating (with some help of course), growing and birthing life. So why couldn’t my body maintain this pregnancy?
I knew why. My hormones were out of balance.
It took me less than a week to gather the messages that were coming my way and to deeply trust my intuition. I made an appointment with a gp because I knew the course of action I was going to take. I went in with my intuition and my knowledge and asked for a range of tests and a script for progesterone cream. The gp was less than supportive, refusing to give me a script that my previous gp had given me with my daughter’s pregnancy (we were living in Perth at the time). I pushed for the tests and decided I would get my script elsewhere. My partner who was with me was becoming increasingly pissed off (as was I) and he asked the gp had I not been asking for these what would her advice be. Her advice, “Try again.”
Shit advice. Dismissive advice. Ignorant Advice. I know my body. I have learnt to trust my body. I am grateful that I am not willing to hand over my power to someone who was so quick to disregard not only a woman’s intuition but her knowledge of her own body (not to mention her medical history). I felt dismissed, as though I was simply a grieving woman grasping for a reason for my loss.
When I walked out of the office I was full of rage. There was nothing my partner could do to soften the anger, I just needed to leave. It was so consuming in that moment that all I could do was cry and scream into my empty car. This anger was not only for myself but for every other woman that has sat across from a medical professional and been given terrible advice. For women who have been told to simply “try again” after the loss (often multiples losses) of a pregnancy. Yes, miscarriages sometimes occur for unknown reasons and reasons totally out of our control but not all of them. It’s easy to lump everyone into one category, especially when it is not your area of expertise but let me tell you I am not one to be dismissed and neither is my intuition.
The following days and weeks I moved through cycles of sadness, acceptance and rage. When I expressed my anger with a select few their first reaction was to tell me not to give so much energy and power to the situation. I knew it was coming from love and they didn’t want to see my pain but I had to release that rage because it had the potential to swallow me up. Thankfully once I voiced my need to let it out, they held space for me beautifully. So often anger and rage are viewed as a negative emotions so they are often suppressed. I've spent my life with the idea that being angry is not ok, that no one wants to be around an angry person and that being angry is a waste of time and energy. I am now grateful for my anger, it gives me fire, shows me I do not have to sit back and simply accept something I know isn’t right for me and my body. When used wisely, anger propels me forward.
I have found my own way around a system that we are made to believe is in place for us (that’s a whole other blog) and through my research I have chosen the path best suited to me. I have also found my way through my grief and anger, although the grief still arises at times. I am grateful for all of my emotions and feelings because they each bring a message when I take the time to listen and process them. My intuition has not always been strong, or perhaps I just haven't always listened but this time it was far too strong to ignore.
Has there ever been a time that your intuition was dismissed by either yourself or another? Are you now trusting and listening to your feelings, your own innate wisdom? I'm curious to hear how your intuition shows up for you in your life.